Options Galore!

In these past couple of years since getting a place in the city, I've been dating again. Although nothing has stuck, I've learned some strong lessons. Having gotten out of the slight writer’s block I was in last year, I wanted to share these with you. 

A key insight on dating that I’ve gained and has been hard to ignore is how a false sense of options might be ruining modern romance. 

A combination of past experiences, circumstances, and contrasting attachment styles have translated into most people romantically pursuing or being pursued by multiple people at the same time. Instead of rejecting the ones they aren't truly attracted to so that they can focus on the one that matters or self/work/family - the trend seems to be to keep a roster of side-options as the main one pans out.  

The Problem

There are a few problems with this approach: 

1. It shifts romance from a spontaneous & magical opening of two hearts to a calculative and self-interest driven game

2. It dehumanizes the whole process and is bound to cause hurt and severed connections

3. It’s likely to recur in a relationship, when eventually a better option manifests than the main one

Spontaneity is the first to suffer because of this approach - making finding love and a partner a calculative game. No doubt, there’s equal value in being mindful and vigilant as there is in allowing spontaneity in those early days - but I feel like the balance has tilted excessively to the former. 

An option mindset also dehumanizes not just the options (including the main one) but the whole process and eventually even the one option-playing. By focusing on more than one option at a time, presence is replaced with performance and a competitive one at that. Instead of seeing a partner as a spontaneous life changing connection that can alter both - a prospect becomes a mere checklist item to satisfy one’s own need.

None of the options are truly met for who they are but for what they offer. Everybody gets judged and weighed against an image of an ideal partner that one has in their head instead of being understood and met as they truly are. Basically, just like in other areas of life - we've gamified and commoditized one of the truest, most powerful, and magical human experiences - love and romance.

Lastly and most importantly, because the real work and healing of not seeing relationships and people as a means to an end has not been done - chances are this option-energy will manifest in the future beyond courtship and in committed relationships too. The main option and now the partner who until yesterday was perfect compared to other options, will sooner or later pale once a better option emerges. 

The Solution

Focus primarily on your other goals - financial, social, health and try not to actively court multiple people at a given time. Don't get me wrong, if things aren't clear - it helps to stay open. Likewise, if multiple casual encounters are what you genuinely want - you may benefit from options too. But once there's clarity (ideally when interest is established) - it helps to make up your mind and either communicate your disinterest or focus on that one person by prioritizing spending time with them exclusively while pausing other pursuits to see if the spark you felt can be sustained. If it does, commit. If it doesn't - communicate honestly and quickly and end it before exploring new people again. 

In essence, all of this stems from approaching love and romance from the mind instead of the heart. I'm not saying don't use your mind, but we must ultimately let our heart and our values lead. Here's a video of former lovers Bob Dylan and Joan Baez meeting as friends in the future and reminiscing over what I feel is the same dynamic of leading with the mind and how it just fucked things up for them. Watch it.

Here’s to better dating in 2026!