Two events between life and death have caused me to struggle with feeling numb or hard to thrill through most of the past few years. The two events were losing who I thought was the one for me to the former and my Mother to the latter. As I have coped with the waves of numbness, I have innately known them to have something to do with the losses. That said, I could never get to the precise source. It's not like I did not try to explore this further (between art, therapy, and meditation) but lacked the space I needed to reach the answer as I have also had a lot on my plate post my Mother's passing between taking care of (and housing) myself and my Dog as I went through a horribly sticky succession proceeding (more on that in a future essay).
Fast forward to this year, things began to shift once more at the typical frantic speed they tend to when it comes to me. It all came together recently and out of nowhere like a thunderstorm at the fag end of summer (also the scene outside as I type out these words.) After all this time and in fever-like visions received during thunderous nights, I realized that my numbness had a lot to do with dreams (and love). Although trying, I was struggling to love and dream again sans them. It has been doubly hard for the loss endured through life because it is not set in stone (unlike death) and is subject to the laws of possibilities (making it complicated). They might be out of my life, but for better or worse I was not done with them just as yet.
Interestingly, as soon as I became aware of the source of my numbness, so did the antidote emerge. I knew right away that the synthesis to the anthesis of losing people I love and the dreams we dreamed together is not to let the dreams die but to keep them alive. I would not call it dreaming sans them but dreaming independent of them and dreaming anew! I am not sure why I could not piece together something so simple sooner - a testament to the notion that we all heal and grow at varying pace.
In parting, I am learning sometimes enduring loss can make us numb but the antidote is to dream anew. I am excited to get on with my journey and beyond grateful to have you all to share my dreams with as I go about dreaming anew. Here is some poetry I wrote and a short video of a song called A Hectare To Roam that I have enjoyed listening to (and playing) of late that captures some of what I am feeling as I take the plunge.
Sure, I wish you were here with me. But I am learning to dream in the absence of you, I am learning to dream anew!
